Jared and I had an interesting conversation today. Earlier in the day, as we were getting ready for church he told Bronwyn she was a beautiful girl. And then I told her she was a pretty girl, but it was even more important to be kind and beautiful inside. Later, Jared told me he had noticed that I always did that and he wanted to know why. He said that he felt like I was bad at taking compliments about my looks and wanted to make sure his girls felt good about themselves. He felt I was undermining his efforts, which surprised me. I hadn't even realized I was doing it; my response was automatic, but not unconscious.
Bronwyn is beautiful; sometimes I look at her and it takes my breath away to think that she came from Jared and I. However, despite the gains women have made in the last 30 to 40 years and despite the fact that we are smart and should know better, it is still so easy for women to feel that most of their value comes from the way they look or the number on the scale. I'm not saying that I don't want my daughters to feel beautiful, because I do, but I want them to know that their looks are only one part of a whole person.
I've noticed something interesting this week during all the Sarah Palin coverage. I've watched dozens of interviews of Republicans at the convention, newscasters, and Republican party leaders. When asked why they think Palin is qualified, almost all have answered in the following fashion:
'Well, first of all, she is a very pretty lady. But, she also has executive experience blah, blah, blah and Alaska is the state closest to Russia, etc. etc.'
Now, Obama is attractive and charismatic, which certainly hasn't gone unnoticed. But, I have never heard anyone list those qualities among his qualifications for being president. This election seems to be bringing out the best and worst of us, bringing our racism and sexism to the surface. I don't think asking if Sarah Palin is qualified is sexist, but I do think it's sexist that her lack of experience, ball-busting ambition and fundamentalist ideas are palatable to Americans because she is hot.
Beach Boys--I Get Around
18 years ago
2 comments:
Well, I had better step in here and take some of the heat off of Heidi. I did and still would with purpose teach that principle. Why? For two reasons, one because our intellect and kind hearts stay with us for ever but our looks fade, they just do. Although men often through financial success get young and beautiful second, third and fourth wives, women are left feeling inadequate. It is no mistake that women have a great deal of plasic surgery, botox and spend a great deal of money on make-up, hair dye and every product possible to smell better, look thinner and be prettier. We are more prone to eating disorders and meth is drug of choice for women because it helps you to lose weight.
The second reason is sexual safety. Girls who are constantly told that they can have everything they want if they are pretty enough become victims to predatory males who feed their starving egos.
Thirdly. Women need each other. The competition between girls as young as 8 or 9 is so disappointing. Women should be cheering each other on, celebrating their differences and supporting each other in time of loss. You cannot compare a nuclear scientist to a surgical nurse. Each can be excellent in their fields but listen to the butts of two women being compared. Regardless of what they know, can do or offer, this comparison leaves both of them misunderstood, undervalued and in competition.
So, I don't apologize for this point of view. I have lived it. If you haven't especially if you are male, you just can't imagine how difficult this is.
You are probably right, though a compliment on your looks can't hurt from time to time. The important thing is to not confuse the superficial with substance. Meaning, it's always more empowering to affirm someone's inner character, because the cultivation of inner character is the compliment that keeps giving and giving. That doesn't mean i don't tell my wife she looks pretty when i think she does. But, i make sure to let her know that that ultimately has little to do with why i love her and am with her.
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